Existential Angst: Middle School Edition

Always a chronicler, I have saved every one of my journals from fourth grade through the one I currently keep. My favorites are the ones from middle school.

Middle school is a difficult time; a time in which kids are asking themselves questions. Questions like, "Who am I?", "What is my place in the world?", and "What is the point of a Giga Pet?" (if it's 1997).

I hated middle school. No, it was more than that- I was baffled by middle school. From a social standpoint, I had no idea what was going on around me. My peers quoted Seinfeld and listened to Green Day. Sarcasm erupted as the main form of communication. Meanwhile, I listened to the "Evita" soundtrack while practicing figure skating routines in my socks on the hardwood floors of our living room. I wasn't clever enough to exchange what passed as witty repartee and usually ended up overly angry and in tears. My parents didn't let me walk to McDonald's with everybody after school and I never saw the point of going to the mall to hang out. The only boys I was even remotely interested in were Devon Sawa from "Little Giants" and Ryder Strong from "Boy Meets World". JTT was overrated and real-life boys were terrible (except for Mark, my brief 8th grade boyfriend). I dressed purely for comfort and sported what was dangerously close to a unibrow. 

To be honest, I kind of love that I was so clueless regarding the social mores of junior high. Don't get me wrong, it was miserable at the time. But now I'm thrilled that I was more concerned with getting an A in Social Studies than impressing some asshole who thought he was cool because he could chug an entire 2 liter of Surge.

And when everyone else was making out during Titanic? I was obsessing over Devon Sawa. But I was also tackling the big questions, like:

Who Am I?
 

12-27-1995
You know, I am so confused! I am popular with a group at school, but the other group whispers about me and spreads rumors. Dad says I'm stronger than I think, but I am a weakling. I like Devon Sawa so much. He looks like a sweetheart. And boy, what a hunk! He has my heart pounding. I love "Little Giants". Devon Sawa is in it! I am going to buy it. I feel better. Bye!

What Kind of a Person Am I?

January 24, 1996

I feel soooooooooooooooooooooooo horrible. Today, I invited Stacey over on the bus. No one was home. We came in, ate (a lot), and then we played on the computer. Then we went downstairs and we played a game. I was trying to fix a lampshade (tilt it) and it broke. Dad can't fix it. MAYBE IF THEY SEND ME TO BOARDING SCHOOL I WON'T DO ANY MORE DAMAGE. MAYBE I WOULD. HOW? I WISH THEY'D GIVE ME THE PUNISHMENT. I DESERVE IT. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THIS WHOLE NIGHTMARE IS OVER. I AM EXTREMELY MISERABLE. HURRY UP, D&M! I DISERVE THE MOST HORRIBLE PUNISHMENT THEY GIVE. I HAVE BEEN BAD. I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I THINK I'VE BETRAYED MY PARENT'S TRUST.

January 25, 1996

Mom and Dad chose extra chores and 4 days off the computor. I AM GOING TO DIE.

What Happens After We Die?

9-20-97

Dear Journal,

I’m at the Morehead’s, babysitting William.  He’s 2.  We’re playing cars.  Later on, I’m going to Emily’s to babysit the three year old twins while Emily goes to her grandmother’s funeral service.  Her grandmother’s being cremated.  The weather is fittingly grey.  I don’t know if I want to be cremated or not.  I mean, do you want to be remembered as ashes in a vase?  Or even worse, a zip-loc bag?  And I’d rather not be sprinkled anywhere.  How do they burn them?  What an awful job.  Do family members watch? 

          Well, c-ya!

          Love,

          Erin Seals

 

And, Of Course- Will Princess Diana's Kids EVER Be OK? 

August 30th, 1997

Dear Journal,

It is 11:21.  Princess Diana is dead.  I never knew much about Princess Di, but there is a deep sadness, a turmoil in my heart.  Maybe because her children are 15 and (my own age) 13, and how would I be able to live without Mom?  I don’t want to find out.  She was younger than Mom!  I am crying.  I’m so sad.  I am going to find out more about Princess Di.  She died in a Mercedes Benz accident.  The Mercedes Benz was black.  She was with a friend (a man, killed; and a bodyguard, I’m not sure).  It was a Mercedes Benz 600 series Sedan.  She was 36 and Mom turned 37 nine days ago.  I’m so sad.  It’s a deep feeling in my chest.  Oh God, please help the world in our time of mourning.  Oh God, please help her children!  Please help her children be strong and please comfort them.  Help us, God.  We love you.

-          Erin Seals

P.S. Please help her kids, her children.